Relationships, Monogamy, and Cheating, Oh My!


A few days ago, I wrote a blog entry about physical attraction. Not just your average attraction, the primal kind :)… I mentioned how it feels like all control is lost, when in the presence of that one person you find irresistible.  This doesn’t pose any real problem if you’re single. The real conflict arises, if you’re already in a committed relationship, or married, when you encounter strong physical chemistry with another. I can tell you, I’ve been cheated on in all three of my serious relationships. It has damaged me beyond repair, so it seems. I’m still working on the recovery process 😦 …When I think about my heartbreak, though, I’m more hurt and upset over the deceit. All the lies it took to cover the cheating behavior. Of course, the act itself hurt as well. Somehow, I was able to deal with the sex act a little better. It sickened me to think about my partner having sex with someone else, but knowing they had feelings for the other person, damaged me the most. After my last heartache, I really started looking at love, sex, and relationships a lot differently. For one, I think the chances of me marrying are very slim. I also find myself thinking about “alternative lifestyles.” Up until now, I felt that there was one person for everyone, tailored made. I guess that would be considered a soul mate huh? After going through all I did, in my relationships, I now find myself cynical. I used to hate when people would say, “We’re animals and it goes against our nature to be monogamous.” I felt, humans had evolved and were civilized enough by this point. I now feel, somewhat, different. Maybe it’s more, me being scared to believe in what I once did.  I mean, I do still believe that, humans are evolved to the point of knowing how to control their urges. I guess now, I’m thinking, maybe we shouldn’t try so hard. If  society as a whole became more open to “alternative lifestyles”, I wonder, how much happier would folks be? For those who truly want to practice monogamy, kudos, that’s beautiful. With the taboo lifted from open marriages, and polygamy even, maybe more people would respect each other more. There would be no real reason, to go out-of-the-way to deceive. I’m at a point where I, both, hate and love my new thought process. How wonderful it would be, to have a couple of husbands, to fulfill different needs. It just goes against everything that I ever believed about love. Although, I don’t feel the same, I find it so hard to part ways with the idea, of that one true love. I would hate to think of myself loving someone again, for them just to stray outside the relationship and hurting me. Would it be better if there was an agreement before hand, that either party could take on a lover, or another spouse, even? If it was readily accepted in society, I wonder how many people would be for it? I strongly feel that, my next relationship will be set up in this fashion. I’ve gone through the pain of my partners straying, so, it would be nothing new, just out in the open now.  Would I feel better if I had the same option in the relationship? Hell yes!  For me, the saying “What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander” is very important. Although, I’ve never stepped out, in any relationship I was in, believe it or not :)… Any person that has cheated on me, has had the nerve to be jealous and start drama AFTER we’ve broken up, and dated other people. Can you believe the nerve? They cheated on me and, giving me hell about dating someone new. I truly don’t think it’s fair, for only one person to have the option to step out of the relationship. I don’t get how the people committing the offense, would not be so understanding, of their partner taking on another lover. Why not let them be happy too? I keep flip-flopping about this topic. This is why I haven’t pursued a relationship yet. I would love to find one person to make a happy life with, I just don’t have faith in coupling at the moment. If someone can come along, and change my mind, I invite them to do so ;)… But for now, I will definitely be looking for a different type of relationship. I’m not sure, If I could completely handle it, but what’s the alternative?

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8 responses to “Relationships, Monogamy, and Cheating, Oh My!

  • 2passion

    Was wondering if my earlier comment got you thinking. I hurt my wife when she found out I had cheated. We went to counseling and are back together after a separation but it’s not working for me and now the chemistry with another person gets thrown in the mix. Like you said — the act hurts but the feelings part probably hurts more.

    Trying to set out my thoughts:

    http://2passion.wordpress.com

    Am enjoying yours.

    • May Torres

      It’s actually something I’ve been thinking about for the last few months. I mentioned in a few of my posts that I had been seeing my ex even after we broke up. I just recently, at the beginning of this new year, severed ties with him. He is the one I have the chemistry with. After he pretty much killed all my positive feelings about relationships, I’ve been leaning towards some sort of open relationship. Your comment did get me thinking more 🙂

  • Vera

    Don’t ever give up on love!! I have been in relationships where I was cheated on, and it does hurt. But I always forced myself to look through the actual act of cheating to see the bigger problem, and it always came down to honesty. I have thought a lot about relationships, expectations, honesty and trust and control. I have been in a relationship for almost a year with a wonderful man and I am so glad I didn’t give up! I enjoyed your posts, and congratulations on getting your book published!

    • May Torres

      Vera, thank you for your words of encouragement!! I know that I have to kiss a lot of frogs before I find my prince! I’m always happy to hear stories about love actually working out. So glad you were able to find a wonderful man! Thanks for reminding me that there is hope, and also for the congratulations on my book. It’s very exciting 😀

      • Vera

        You are very welcome! I would love to be a writer someday, so you inspire me. As for relationships…two bf’s ago I learned that the love I feel has absolutely nothing to do with the other person, it does not depend on anything they do or don’t do, it is there inside me all the time and I choose whether to love or not. Very liberating lesson! The illusion when we are “in love” is that it is coming from the other person, and it really does not! The next BF taught me to trust my instincts and to stand up for myself (he was a controlling, manipulating mooch, very dishonest). Then I just got in a space for a few months, a very happy space, and I wrote a private list (putting desires out there) of what I did want in a mate, and it worked! But you have to be careful not to put the negative things you don’t want on the list (ie: I want someone who is not _______. The funny thing is that when I first met him I initially resisted, he is not someone I would have initially pursued, but he fits my list completely.

  • starrynightcoach

    Ugg, I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with three times of partners cheating!! Non-monogamy can be awesome if its built on a foundation of trust and secure attachment. I hope you find someone that treats you right and is honest with you, regardless of what relationship style you choose.

  • 2passion

    The recent comments led me to read your post again. A lot of your posts deal with love lost. But I love the line from the Lady Antebellum song, “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.”

    Never get to the point where you are afraid to try to find love and happines.

    http://2passion.wordpress.com/

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